A personal open letter on the eve, to whom it may concern. By the off chance that it does concern you, thank you for being an important part my life. No names will be named so we can keep the suspenseful and mysterious nature of this blog going. This is going to be one of the more longer post than I'm ever going to post. If you don't like long posts, or me, too bad. And some stuff that I write in this post, I'm probably going to regret at some point in the near future.
Also, this is going to be very
personal. That is, if you know me well. If not, just try harder.
I'll try to keep this as structured as possible but it's easy to lose track when all you've got going on are the floating thoughts that you've got on your mind. Bits and pieces from here and there, past, present and future.
First off, I'm turning twenty-one. It's supposed to be a huge things amongst the chinese community here, means you're well off your way into adulthood, into the
real world. To be frank, there's just no distinctive magical cutoff point for when one turns from an adolescent into an adult. There's no clear objectives to be cleared or some sort of hidden goals that you unlock before you're labelled as an adult. The number that you see on your documents and shit, are just that-
numbers, and they shall remain so. You don't just suddenly become an adult just because your age is 18 or for my case here, 21. Even marriage, or parenthood doesn't count. Because any two jackasses with functioning genitalia can give birth to a baby, or two dozen. There's just no way of finding out whether you're an adult or not, no matter what people keep telling you. Just live out your life the age you have for yourself, a secret number that only you'll know.
For that matter, I've recently made a discovery about myself. I think I know myself well enough to come to this conclusion, I did know myself for almost 20 years. I'm small, not only in stature and size but personality as well. Of course, I'd like to think that I have a charming personality that is likable by everyone, alas that is not so. I'm snotty, arrogant and fickle. This is all really demeaning and all but only because I know a little bit of English, I think myself above others. A false pride, an illusion made up to trick myself into feeling superior in a small and subtle way. I'm not going to lie, it does feel good, no matter how insubstantial my falsehood is based upon. Everyone wants to be feeling superior, in one way or another. In a way, likened to everybody wants to rule the world. The more I look into it, the more I'm repulsed by myself. It just isn't right to be this way. People's worth aren't judged so easily and certainly not by one who is unworthy. I don't have uber mad english skills, so stop acting like you do. I try not to ponder upon this as much as possible but it just keeps coming back to haunt me when I least expect it.
Then, there's also something devastating. In this life, no matter what I do or how hard I strive for it. I'll never amount to more than a speck. Or anything worth mentioning. We're just so tiny in this world, maybe even less than a speck, because the world is just that- HUGE. I've yet the chance to really open up my eyes and see it for myself but from what I've manage to gather. The life that I'm leading right now, and would be leading in the future, would not have any significant change or impact on the world. There's nothing that I could do that would affect the world in the smallest or slightest of ways. This is kinda like a sudden revelation that dawned upon me, sometime ago. I used to think that there's a purpose for us humans to be born into this world. A task to be fulfilled throughout our entire live on this planet, a certain kind of ultimatum, an endgame if you will. I tried finding that purpose, from a lot of different perspective- religiously, philosophically, romantically, scientifically. I used to thought that I just have to find the one, the one girl who's for me. And when I do, everything else will just become clear as skies and follow through smoothly. Perhaps I have been looking in the wrong way or I just haven't the vision to see that far. I could not find any sense of purpose as to why am I even alive at all, besides using up water and oxygen whenever possible. What do I have to contribute? And to whom do I contribute it to? The planet? Society? Our future generation? And what about the future generation's future generation and so on so forth? Aren't we just passing the baton from our parents down to our children? Why the fuck is there a baton in the first place?
Somehow, writing this post, I started wondering whether is there a limit on words for blogger. If there is, I might just give it go trying to reach it as hard as I could before the clock strikes twelve.
Family. Of course I love my family very much. I just have the oddest ways of showing it and probably I might not even have that sometimes. I just didn't grow up in a altogether love expressing kind of family. But it's my family, I'll take it for any kind that I can manage, for as long as possible. I wonder if this letter is what people call putting yourself out
there. I do know that whatever I type here is public, and everyone can read it, from that hobo down the alley to that cat in front of the laptop pretending to be human. Maybe one day, what I type here can used against me but for now, what happens now are in these words and they are all that I have left. I just want to put it all somewhere before I drown under them. This letter is really just a one time thing, I probably won't have the willpower to write another piece about myself of this length. Heck, it's been years since I've written anything near this length. This taking everything that I have to give, fingers and mind juice alike.
I know that this is probably creepy and typing in white too, after so long. But I still miss you, as everything you are to me. For now and ever.
When one say something about family, of course friends are included. To be frank, I'm really grateful and thankful for all the friends that I still have at this point of my life. Looking back at how much I've given fuck to others in the past, it's a wonder that I've still got so many left. Friends to share, friends to tease, friends to ignore on a bad day, friends to be with for no reason but just
with. Again, I have a problem with expressing myself with any medium other than written words. But I do appreciate all of you putting up with my fuckiness and my languages. Yeah, all that stuff that friends just turn a blind eye to stay friends. Of course, I've lost some as well but that is a story for another time. And I just have too many stories about me to tell on this one. The ones to make my acquaintance, I'm sorry that I'm not a better social person but I really
am not. For those still with me, you know I won't say what you want me to say but if you're really with me. I don't really have to say it out now, do I? Ohhh, witty wordplay.
Actually, I didn't think I still have it in me to type until here. I thought I would just give up halfway and just let bygones be bygones. That is one of the things included here too, for reasons quite painstakingly obvious. I don't have anything that I want anymore. Or rather, I'm too inclined to bury it deep down until I myself could not dig it back up with a shovel. I've grew dangerously accustomed to not wanting anything that it's laughable. I don't have something that I want enough for me to actually work hard on fulfilling that want. So, I just stop working hard altogether and just let life zoom me by. It's detrimental to my mental health and well being but apparently it also called the human condition. So,
meh. I know I wanted to get myself a smartphone for a longggggg time. It's been like 2 years since I last uttered those words I think. Yet, I am still clinging to that flippy thing that is used to be called a phone but considered to be all but obsolete. With no changes coming anytime soon and no probable prospects looming in the horizon either. I just couldn't decide on one smartphone that I
want. That is just one very example but I think it's kinda programmed into me that I'd probably just say no to most stuff that I actually want. Well, half of the time at the very least. The other half, I probably being an ass.
Hmm, if you've managed to read until here, I guess you're good? Readable? But for the purpose of this post/letter, I've got nothing left on my mind that I would like to address. I probably just forgotten to write about it though. There are loads more, I'm sure. But I'll just let it be. So, uh, thanks I guess?
Sincerely,
Me.
