A Very Short Monologue.

Are you ready?
No.

Will you ever be?
Afraid not.

Why not?
How does one begin to deem oneself to be ready?

Now that's a good one. I think you start by not calling yourself oneself. It sounds pretentious and bitchy. Then you just man up and freaking wing it. Until it feels right.
Then you're ready.
Oh.

Write.

The longer I put off this blog, the easier it seems to just put this writing shenanigan beyond my grasp. It's funny the way I put this seems to make it sound like I am willing to start writing again, willingly. I've lost count the number of times I tried drafting a new post, alas all those rare occasions did not bear much fruit evidently.

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy writing very much. There's just an inexplicable urge to put words I keep in my mouth unto a digital medium and let the world read and judge. Sometimes, I wonder if I myself became the thing I despise, but then on the internet, it's really hard to say for certain. Online, we're who we want to be, there's no restriction on becoming someone else entirely.

They say when you look into the darkness long enough, it consumes you. Nowadays, I'm more and more inclined to believe so.

I've stopped working on this blog for so long, I would be befuddled if anyone still reads. For those few who do read, you have my deepest gratitude and appreciation. I would try to write about coherent issues and whatnot in the foreseeable future.

Write, for the sake of writing.

Simple as this.

It rattles me.

Such offhandedness, of idle banter.

How a lifetime ago, I held on tight.

Then, it was the only thing.

Keeping madness at bay, away but always in sight.

It made me more afraid than ever.

How time heals and erodes simultaneously.

Then again, I could only wander.

Such is life, too fast paced and unforgiving for the uninitiated.

minutes to midnight.

the world becomes a little bigger, a little scarier.

and,

it crashes down on you.

Retry.

My blog(s) and ostensibly my (if you consider them as such) writings went through plenty of stops and hiatuses. This one might be a little longer than I liked, but here I am, typing again. For once in months, not writing in all that formality and technicality that all the reports in the world require of me. I've sorely missed this: writing, typing, all from my fingers and me. None of that copy paste nonsense from wikipedia or wolfram. Creationspren flows tonight, of all nights.

I've been wanting to do this for quite some time now. There was always something; tests to study for, assignments to hand in, codes to be copied. Now that I've finally gutsy up (procrastinate) and login to blogger, it feels just like home. What with the dashboard and ever depressing traffic stats that my blog gets. It was almost like I've never stopped writing at all.

I won't ever stop, perhaps pauses once in a while. But this is what I really like to do. This is what I do.

This is.

The end. 

Even in all things natural, events all happen in a cyclic manner. There are high and low tides, begetting formation of sandy shoals and coral reefs everywhere. A cutoff point where one tidal formation ends and another takes its place, without pause and seamless. 

That is the way of nature, the way of the world, of how it should be; all of it which matters.

Take a moment's respite from everything you find burdening or unpleasant, i.e. your life, for instance. Try and see yourself from another person's perspective, stop making yourself the center of the universe (we don't who/what is, but you're not) Then, observe. Don't forget to be the usual judgmental sneering self when you do this, because even when you're you you, there must be a few times (or more than) when you've brought down labels and stereotypes on strangers riding the train, or even out on the streets. 

Yawnnnnnnnn

Do this slowly and be as critical as possible, on yourself. There will be faults and flaws here and there; you slouch while standing; you don't look into the eyes of the person you're talking to; you have problem expressing yourselves with proper verbal words, just name a few.

However, many of us stop there. We've found the problems plaguing ourselves, we look at it and think, meh, I could probably live this, for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, we don't have exceptionally long lifespan and well you could probably do it doesn't mean you should. Contrary to common sense, we let this disease fester and grow, we nourish it with our fears and insecurities, giving it strength and power over us.

It doesn't have to be so, actually, life shouldn't be just living with it. We should enjoy and do what we can to live it to the fullest because of the aforementioned short amount of time we get live on this planet. Once we do get to as what the problem is, we should stay steadfast and be vigilant about it. Then only can we start getting to the cause of the problem, reaching underground and cutting the root of the rotten bark.

Look into the mirror and tell yourself this. 

This is the end.

of the ugly side of you; of all that makes you despise yourself.

and of this year's Chinese new year. (specifically my holidays)

Day 1.

The fact that I'm returning to blogging on this very night says quite a bit about me.

What exactly, I can't really tell though.

Anyway, neighhhhh.

Inception.

"Would you take a leap of faith with me?"

"Where to?" I asked, shrugging my shoulders.

"To the place of your dreams. Close your eyes. Can you do that for me?"

"My dreams? But I have dreamt of so many different places. Where are you taking me?" I fired back with another question, eyes fully opened.

"You may not know yourself but deep down in your subconscious, there's just that one place. Come with me and you'll see things beyond what your sight can show you."

"But why can't you tell me where are we going first? I can't follow you unless I'm well informed of our destination."

"It's not that I wish to conceal anything from you but in this journey, there will be no final destination; there is just the journey, and the journey only."

"There cannot be journeys without a destination. You must stop at a certain point on a map. There's no way that any travel can last indefinitely. It is simply absurd!"

"That's because you're seeing but you're not truly seeing. I know all of this sounds mightily confusing but my role is not to help clear up the muddy waters. I'm merely here as your guide, to bring you to take the first step towards this journey. All will be made clear once you take this leap with me."

"What if I really don't want to? Find out my heart's deepest desire. I'm afraid of it, what I might I see scares me."

"Its called a leap of faith for a reason; you got to have a little to make this jump."

"I remember now. This isn't the first time I'm asked, is it?"

"It matters not; the important part now - is you giving me your trust, closing your eyes and take off; into a different world, of wonderful colors and stemming with imagination, yours specifically."

"You don't understand, I'm frightened to venture into the unknown; into the darkness, where I can barely see what's in front of me, much less take another step forward."

"Just give me your hand, and step into the light."

Okay.

Dogs & Rovers.

What we do everyday, waking up, going about our routine, scrolling through fb news feed. In the end, we try to find meaning to our existence, to justify the reason for our continued function, if there is one. There's so many that one can go about it, and whether we realize it or not, we're doing essentially the same thing at some sort of level. Just struggling against life and at the same time, to know why we're even here at all; else, we would be some kind of alien worm living under a rock in Mars, trying to avoid NASA and all their awe-named rovers. There must be one; a purpose of man's eventual evolution into what he is today.

Like beings of lower caliber, we're just too dumb to realize it. Take this example:

A dog's instinct tells him that the human feeding him is his human; that he have to protect him and his family by barking madly at the postman. His ability to think revolves around chasing his tail, tearing up sofas and basically just being irresistibly cute. When he's rewarded or punished, he might know why but because he's an animal without higher cerebral abilities, he doesn't exactly know why.

Not sure if anyone's following this crooked analogy but we're like dogs in this case but without our own human, our reason for living; the ultimate goal of life. There's nobody who would go about rewarding or punishing us for shit we did or didn't do, that's why we invented a system based solely on this, to fulfill a need that we desperately crave in our deepest level.

Today is the first of 2014, I should someplace doing something else rather than this. You know, more meaningful than cramming for finals, I bet there are loads of other greener pastures elsewhere than this rotten patch I'm standing on.